So, where to begin? It's been another really hard day. Sarah broke down crying tonight because she says I'm being so mean to her, and she's trying to ignore it, because she knows I'm upset about Jay, but it seems to her like she's the only one I'm taking it out on. I would have said I couldn't possibly be taking it out on her, because I never see her. She's only downstairs for a few minutes before school and maybe during dinner or for an hour after if we watch a show. She's gone to work with R. at the concession stand 2 or 3 nights this week. And besides I wouldn't have thought she'd care if I was mean to her or not. And I probably am being less patient, but I don't think I'm being mean, and I think she's being oversensitive. She came into my room at 10 p.m. to tell me that she'd never gotten part of her uniform that she's supposed to wear in a softball tournament at 8:30 in the morning. (She had. She found it "under some stuff on the stairs.") Jay or no Jay, that kind of thing really pushes my buttons. Why couldn't she have looked for that stuff sooner? And for that matter why couldn't she have stopped watching "Once Upon a Time" on Netflix to unload the dishwasher or feed her brother, whom she was being paid to babysit? The irony of this is that people are forever saying to me, "Oh, you've got to deal with a teenage daughter too." And I'm always telling them, "No, she's really not got a bad attitude. She's really sweet. She really helps me, especially with Cole." So, obviously, I'm not doing such a great job letting her know how I feel about her and how much I appreciate her. And she told me while she was sobbing that she had bought me a Mother's Day present online this week with her new debit card, even though she didn't really want to because she was so mad at me.
Nathan agrees that I'm being overdramatic and mean. This from the child who is losing his temper constantly. I think he's been late for school every day this week, and it's always somehow my fault, even though he comes downstairs and then lies down on the couch or the floor until it's past time for us to be gone. Yesterday I walked into the room with his folders which had his signed papers in them. (Well, they were supposed to be signed. I hadn't signed them, even though I had looked at them.) I put down the papers on the table in front of him and said, "Nate, here are your signed papers." No response. So on the way to school he gets angry because he doesn't have his signed papers, and I won't go back and get them for him. He said it was my fault because I hadn't signed them. I said that if he had put them in his backpack like he was supposed to, I would have been able to sign them in the car. On the occasions that I have thought it was my fault that he didn't have his papers, like the time I accidentally signed them and then put them in my purse, I've taken them to him, but in this case I didn't. He got so angry that he apologized for it when he saw me last night. This morning I took Cole to school first and then came back for Nathan, which meant that he was late, since his school starts 15 minutes before Cole's does. When I got back, he asked me if I was mad, and I said, "No, I'm not mad, but you don't have any electronics this afternoon." And then he got angry and said that he had only said for me to take Cole first since I had told him that Cole could not be late today, because his class was going on a field trip. Yeah, um well that part of the conversation took place at 7:52, and N is supposed to be at school by 8. So, I am unmoved by that reasoning.
On the bright side, I did get up and go to CrossFit this morning for the first time since February.
Then I went to meeting about how I need to be using Twitter and Google Plus for work, and I can't figure them out, and somehow all my stuff and Sarah's has gotten intertwined because we had (or have) the same apple id. So I'm trying to log on to the Twitter account that I made a long time ago and don't know how to use, and in my photo stream are pictures that are not mine, and they include screen shots of messages between Sarah and her boyfriend, and pictures of Sarah's friends, and pictures of articles from magazines about things that boys have hidden in their phones, and a picture of some (male) model with a super ripped torso. And in walks Sarah to tell me she doesn't have her softball uniform.
In a related technological failure, last night I couldn't get a picture to upload to this blog at. all. Although the video uploaded just like that.
And I'm having the kind of selfish day when I don't care that Jay is in a better place now. I just want him here with me, even if he feels like shit and can hardly keep his eyes open or lift a cup, because even those little tiny slivers of time when he smiled or made a face or hand gesture were 80 million times better than this. And I miss Andy. I wish he were still here, and even though the rational part of me understands that people have lives outside of ministering to my every need and mood, the rest of me thinks the world shouldn't be organized that way. Lots of people have said very nice things to me about what a rock I've been or what a caring sister I've been, and right now I'm feeling like I have them all snowed, because if they could see all the blackness in my soul right now, they wouldn't be too impressed. (This could also be the right time to say that I've run out of some of my medicines, and I haven't gotten them refilled yet, because I really want to switch pharmacies, but I don't know how to go about it when the first pharmacy has my refills on file. I'm going back to the dr. just for a check-up on Monday, so I hope someone there will help me sort that out.)
I got a present this afternoon, though, from my knitters. (Omg. After several unsuccessful attempts to add the picture, I just changed browwsers, and the pic uploaded easy peasy.)
This is a beautiful glass vase from Crate and Barrel, and it's filled with hand-knit hearts of all colors and sizes. (I almost said all shapes and sizes, but really, they are all heart-shaped!) Some of the yarns I recognize by looking at them. (Hello, Lepidoptra and Tart.) They came with lots of sweet cards saying lots of sweet things about how the hearts should help me remember that I am loved by many people. (They also sent candy and cookies. Yum. In fact, I think I might brew some tea and have a cookie right now.)
And, because Heidi wanted to see some knitting, here are some projects I've finished recently.
And I'm really, really close to finishing another sweater.
Thanks for letting me spew all that venom. To misquote Merle Haggard, "You know sometimes I write happy blogs." I hope that will be the case more often as time passes.
Tomorrow's goals: Get up and go to hot yoga class before softball tournament. See Cowboy Mouth at Delta Fest. (This might involve leaving softball tourney early.) For real, finish the button band on the sweater that is taking me forever and a day--I'd love to try to sew sleeves on Sunday.